"One of the
most powerful shocks of the Middle Passage is the collapse of
our tacit contract with the universe - the assumption that if
we act correctly, if we are of good heart and intentions, things
will work out. We assume a reciprocity with the universe. If we
do our part the universe will comply. Many ancient stories, including
the Book of Job, painfully reveal the fact that there is no such
contract, and everyone who goes through the Middle Passage is
made aware of it. No one sets out upon the marital barque, for
example, without high hopes and good intentions, however uncertain
the compass and shifting the tides. When one stands amid the rubble
of a partnership, then one has not only lost the relationship,
but also, the whole world view."
James Hollis
When the marital barque breaks up
on the shoals of life, the law takes its predetermined course,
and lawyers can effect the "legal" direction of that course only
so much on issues of money and property. But in the area of the
rights of children to keep two parents equally in their lives,
your choice of lawyer might make all the difference. Historically
mothers' lawyers all too easily turned fathers into "every other
weekend" visitors in the lives of their children. Know the personal
views of your lawyer. Will they just as easily act against shared
parenting as for it?
"But the times they are a changing."
Like many men of my generation,
I got caught up on campus in the 1960's working for the beginnings
of what developed into the modern woman's movement. For the next
couple of decades I remained unaware of or ignored the negative
effects modern society ( a new strident victim feminism ) was
having on men and children.
While the woman's movement has
successfully advanced their issues onto the public stage, men
have only recently begun "coming together to face the mid-life
truths of stressful lives; personal isolation; numbing addictions;
hidden emotional wounds; and confusion about manhood, money and
happiness."
(John C. Robinson)
Men are now becoming more and more
successful in articulating their own perspective. And what they
see is the victim feminists strongly resisting changes to the
law as it relates to shared parenting.
It is these men I want to help (or
the rare mother whose children are primarily with their father
and are being denied a meaningful relationship with her.)
In simple terms it can be said that
the role of the mother over time has been grounded in biology.
The role of the father, however, to a much larger extent, has
been a learned behavior determined by economic and cultural dictates
of a particular society at a particular time in its evolution.
Fathers have and do play different roles in different societies
in relation to nurturing and raising children. The radical changes
in North American society over the past fifty years have shattered
many social conventions, not the least of which has been the once
sacred institution of marriage. For over a hundred years male
lawyers, judges and legislators have conspired against their own
sex when they helped create and sustain the myth that men were
poor nurturers, had fewer feelings; and what feelings and emotions
they did have they shouldn't show; that they were good mainly
for sweat and toil; and that women were all things loving and
nurturing and the only gender capable of parenting children properly.
Changing societal, economic and cultural views of "fatherhood"
are causing cracks in that myth.
The Divorce Culture
in which we now live has disrupted the nurturing role of the father
in the lives of his children, and the children are paying the
price. All social and behavioral research on children support
keeping fathers equally in the lives of children. (For
the very best collection of these studies see Warren Farrell's
new book Father & Child
Reunion.)
The vast majority of fathers want
desperately to be given an opportunity to adjust to the new reality
in ways that will let them parent equally with the mothers. It
was impossilbe a few decades ago.But the tide is turning. Over
the past few years the courts have advanced shared parenting.
Compared to the fear of politicians to make any meaningful changes
some judges are progressivly moving the agenda in the right direction.
Progressive judges now start from the assumption of joint custody
as the best result, and leave it to the parent seeking sole to
convince them. More and more decisions are coming down ordering
equal time shared parenting.
I know from personal experience
and my work with men that a father can give just as much nurturing,
love and affection to his children as can a mother.
I want to help reframe the debate
from one of "gender war" to a health model of gender - for men
and women and especially for the sake of the kids.
The report of the Joint House of
Commons and Senate Committee looking at the aspects of custody
and access came out with its report For
the Sake of Children. It was a potential start in the right
direction but has been gathering dust on the shelf.
Carey Linde has been practicing
law for 32 years. In that time he has raised three children to
adulthood as a single father parent. He is a member of Vancouver
M.E.N. and a past member of Seattle M.E.N. and a participant in
a men's group. He obtained his B.A. in psychology and law degree
from the University of British Columbia where he was the acting
president of the student body and president of his graduating
class in law schooI. He has been trained and acted as a family
mediator and is a strong advocate for collaboration and consensus
over conflict. But he won't avoid the just fight when reason fails.
He is a member of the Trial Lawyers Association of British Columbia
and a past member of the American Trial Lawyers Association.
Here are two articles he has written.
"A Case for Fathers and Co-Parenting"
is a very rough draft of what he had hoped he could someday develop
into something useful for the rights of children. The document
is 42 pages long. ( The over fifty footnoted referenced source
articles can be purchased from me in two three inch three ring
binders for $200. )But this paper has recently been made obsolete
by the publication Warren Farrell's new book Father
& Child Reunion. Our paper can be reprinted and used in
any fashion provided only that the author gets credit - good or
bad!
The central focus of our legal
practice is in helping kids see more of their fathers (or moms
if dad somehow has sole custody and is as much of a control freak
as some mothers.) The men's and father's movements, supported
by lots of very good women, deserve credit for the change in the
courts in the past few years towards recognizing the importance
of fathers. There remains an enormous way to go before we approach
anything remotely resembling actual equality in the roles of both
separated parents, to say nothing of equality in co-parenting
and rotating time with children.
Every father who stands up for
his children in court against the "maternal preference - primary
caregiver - tender years" myth and demands equal physical time
is helping children everywhere.
The
Law Offices of Carey Linde
605 - 1080 Howe St.
Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 2T1
Tel: 604-684-7794 Fax: 604-682-1243
lawyer@divorce-for-men.com
